Bare
by Kat Spencer
Summary: Renee is still dealing.  Jack is ever patient.  AU.  Four months after the events of Broken.
1. Stripped

Title: Bare

Author: Kat Spencer

Summary: Renee is still dealing. Jack is ever patient. AU. Four months after the events of _Broken_.

"Days will come when you don't have the strength,  
and all you hear is you're not worth anything,  
wondering if you ever could be loved,  
and if they truly saw your heart  
they'd see too much."  
~Beautiful  
MercyMe

Chapter One  
Stripped

Jack had left Renee sleeping while he went to the grocery store. She had suffered a nightmare the night before and she was finally sleeping soundly. Jack finished putting the groceries away and made his way upstairs to check on her.

She wasn't in bed, but he did hear the shower running. He went back downstairs to read the newspaper he had gotten while he was out. Thirty minutes later there was still no Renee. It worried Jack. He knocked on their bathroom door. The shower wasn't running anymore, but he knew she must still be in there.

**JRJRJRJRJR**

"Go away, Jack."

"What happened?"

She didn't want him to see her like this. Here she was sitting in the shower, fully clothed, and soaking wet. What the _hell_ had happened? Did she even know? She was beginning to shiver, but she didn't care. She deserved it.

"Please, just go. I'll be out in a while."

"You can't keep shutting me out, Renee."

His words stung. What did he expect from her? She stood up from the shower floor. Anger bubbled up in her as she opened the shower door and stepped out. Her tank top stuck to her, and her jeans left puddles of water on the tiled floor. She unlocked the door and threw it open. She knew she had surprised him.

"Is this what you wanted to see, Jack? Me falling apart?" She was yelling. He let her.

"Renee," his voice was low and calm and he tried to reach out and touch her face.

"Don't touch me."

"I told you you're not alone in this."

"I can't do this. I don't know what made me thought I could." _Liar, he's standing right in front of you_.

"You can do this. We can do this."

"I don't want to. It's too hard and it hurts too much! I don't want you to waste anymore of your time on me, Jack. I can't keep asking you to pick up the pieces when it will only fall apart again anyway. It's not fair to you."

Tears fell down her cheeks. He wanted so badly to reach out and wipe them away. "I'll decide what's fair for me, Renee." He began to walk towards her. He put the familiar 'Jack Bauer' face on. It wasn't to scare her, nor intimidate her. It was to show her that he was serious.

She backed up until there was nowhere else to go, she was in between the counter and Jack.

"Jack."

He could tell from her voice that she wasn't scared. She was just tired and weary.

"No, Renee, I've made my choice, and my choice _was_ and _is_ you. I can't help how I feel…I-I can't help that every time I look at you, every time I see that ghost of a smile, every time I see the old Renee again, every time you come back to me I fall a little more in love with you."

"Please, don't do this." She looked away from his gaze.

"What? Don't be honest? Renee, there's nothing I can be but honest with you. I can't promise you that it will always be easy, because we both know that it won't. I _can_ promise you that you will never be alone. I want this to work. I _need_ this to work. Let me love you, you might find that you feel the same way."

Her blue eyes closed and she sighed. She wondered how he could feel that for her. "Renee," he prodded after several moments.

Her eyes opened and he was still there, up close and personal. "Jack…I just don't want to disappoint you, I don't want you to realize that months or years down the road that you made a horrible, terrible mistake. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you like that." She tentatively touched his face.

"You could never let me down. You're faithful, loyal-"

"I'm neither of those things right now." Her hand left his face.

"You are."

"I'm not, I feel like the most disloyal person in the world. I feel as if _I _can't even trust myself. I feel like you'd be better off without me."

Jack shook his head. "You're the best part of my day. You are making my life more bearable, more livable. I'm living the kind of life I've wanted to live for years. You can't ever know how much I owe you, Renee."

"How much you owe me, Jack? No…don't say that, I owe everything to you, and you owe me nothing."

Jack smiled. "We'll agree to disagree. So…what do you say?"

She sighed again. It was several moments before she answered. "Jack…I want this to work, too. I just don't know if I can. I don't think I'm worth loving, or even worth having around. I can't make you go, and I don't think I'm strong enough to leave. So if you can deal with all of that, I guess I can too."

"You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for, Renee."

He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. He let his hand drift from her face to her waist. He pulled her close and they hugged. Her hands found his hair as they pulled apart. It may have been four months, but they had never been anything more than a kiss on her forehead or cheek. He could tell by her eyes she wanted to change that.

"Renee-" he warned, not wanting her to do anything she would regret.

"Jack…just shut up and kiss me."

He smiled for a split second before her lips met his in a frenzied, carnal way. They both needed this, this release. The nightmares that kept her up at night didn't matter, all the pain, all the hate didn't matter. All that did matter was just beyond her closed eyelids. His hands that were pulling her close, his body pressed to hers, his lips were what mattered right now. The world could have ended and Renee wouldn't have noticed.

The pair pulled away minutes later. He could tell there was hesitation to go any further, and he would respect that.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be sorry."

Renee closed her eyes, his hands were now loosely around her neck. Their foreheads rested together. There was no need for words. Neither one minded that all they did was make-out like hormone driven teenagers. It was nice, in a way, not to have to add the kind of intimacy that came with sex into their already complicated relationship.

It's not that Renee didn't want to be with Jack. She would be crazy not to want to be with him. She just wasn't ready for it. Not emotionally ready, she hadn't even uttered those three little words and just about shut him out when he did.

"You should change," he told her, breaking into her reverie.

"Yeah." She reluctantly let go of Jack and left the bathroom. She went to their closet and dressed.

She found him sitting on the bed, waiting for her. He took her hand and pulled her to him, putting an arm around her shoulder. "What do you want to do today?" He asked.

_Besides have a breakdown?_ She shrugged.

He cleared his throat. "I thought maybe we could talk about the doctor again."

"You really want to start that with me today, Jack?" The magic that was there from their kiss was definitely gone now.

"Renee, please don't. I don't mean to upset you-"

"Shut up, Jack. I've already told you, the shrink thing doesn't work," she told him as she untangled herself from his arm and stood, placing her hands on her hips.

"I just want you to have the help that you need."

She felt the misplaced anger rising again. "Then why the hell are you here?" She saw the hurt in his eyes. She regretted the words immediately. "Jack, I didn't-"

"I know you didn't. And for the record, I really don't know…you haven't told me one damn thing, Renee."

"What is it that you want to hear, Jack?"

"Anything at all!" His voice raised an octave as he rose to his feet.

Her face hardened. "You want to hear that six years ago I had to endure beatings for a cover? He broke my ribs, a cheekbone, I went to the hospital with a concussion, he held a gun to my head on more than one occasion, and a knife to my throat on many others. There were a few times when he tried to rape me, Jack. He was controlling, he was domineering…he…" She closed her eyes and dropped her head.

"Renee," Jack said as he stepped closer to her. She met his gaze again.

"No, you wanted to know. I'm letting you know. Do you want to see the scars that _he_ left?" She asked as she began to lift the bottom of her shirt. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"Don't-" Jack pleaded as he grabbed her hands and held them tightly in his own.

"And then…then four months ago, I get the chance to set things right again. It's as if it started all over again. This time to keep my cover he actually got what he had wanted all those years ago. I slept with him. I let him think that it was okay for him to put his hands all over me. For those moments I made myself believe that maybe I deserved it."

"You didn't. Laitanan was a monster, Renee. You didn't deserve any of it. He raped you, Renee. No woman deserves that." His face searched hers for recognition and understanding. There was none.

After several moments, she spoke again "Jack…all I wanted was my life back…all I wanted was to erase what happened with me after the FBI. I thought if I did that-"

"That you'd save yourself," he said quietly. She remembered those words, he had spoken something like them the night she took matters in her own hands and handled Wilson.

She nodded as sobs wracked her body. He pulled her close and she hung onto him for dear life.

"And now, here I am, more screwed up than ever," she said several moments later.

"No, no you're not. We'll do this, Renee. You'll do this, you'll get through it."

It seemed like he'd been saying this or something like it every day since they'd been together. She knew that he would say it however long it took. She once again reminded of his dedication.

She closed her eyes and let herself fully relax in Jack's arms. She was safe here. She could rest. She was broken. She was damaged, but she was sure of one thing: the man holding her wasn't going to let her go. He was here to stay. Maybe someday soon she'd be able to admit that she was in love with him too, even if it were just to herself. Yes. Someday soon, she hoped.

TBC in Family


	2. Family

Author's note: I've found that with this chapter it's difficult to do prequels. I wanted Jack to get Renee a dog. Then I realized that they have no dog in _Blessed_. I reworked that fic and chapter one now contains a dog. Also, thanks to those who have read! And thanks to those reviewers!

Chapter Two  
Family

Renee Walker was a sucker for surprises. She always had been and she guessed nothing could change that. She smiled at Jack as they watched the newest, furry, four-legged member of their family chase the tennis ball she had thrown. The bloodhound bounded happily after the ball, though he hadn't really gotten the 'bring it back' part of playing fetch.

_Family_. She liked the sound of that. It wasn't conventional by any means. However, they weren't the most conventional couple, either. Maybe it was the fact that it had been two and a half months since their first make-out session, and there had been nothing beyond that since. Maybe it was because they slept together, in the same bed, and nothing worthwhile ever happened. Maybe it was because he could say 'I love you' and she didn't even know what her feelings were telling her. Perhaps it was because they both have scars physical and emotional from jobs they'd like to forget.

"I love him," she said as she threw another ball for the puppy.

"Yeah, I know. That's the fifteenth time you've said it."

She smiled as she kneeled down in front of the dog and scratched him behind the ears. "What do you want to call him?" She asked, looking up at Jack.

"You should name him. Anything you like."

"Okay…how about Toby?"

"Toby sounds perfect."

"You're perfect, Jack," she said as she took his hand. He kneeled down beside her and she kissed him on the mouth.

"Hmm, you know I would have gotten him months ago if I'd known the reward for such work." Jack said as they pulled away.

"He is awfully cute. Kind of like you in that way." She told him.

"You think?" He asked.

She nodded. "Oh, yeah."

Jack smiled at her as she lay back on the grass, her red hair sprawled around her head. He picked up one of the discarded tennis balls and threw it for the puppy. Toby happily bounded after it.

Renee pulled him close until he was lying in the grass also, his elbow propped up and his head resting on his hand. He looked down at her.

"It's nice," she told him.

"What is?"

"This…us. The dog, Teri, Kim and Stephen. It's like-" she stopped talking and looked away.

"Like what?"

"Like a real family."

"I consider _you_ to be my family, Renee. Don't forget that," he told her as he kissed her forehead.

She shook her head. She wouldn't forget. "I won't," she promised. "You're my family too, Jack." She said the words so quietly she wondered if she had said them aloud at all.

She knew she must have when he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. It was soft and sweet. She smiled at him as they pulled apart.

"I like that," she sighed.

"Me too," he told her as Toby trotted over and licked Renee's face. She laughed. Jack put his arm around her and pulled her close.

"You okay out here?" He asked.

"I'm fine. My allergies don't bother me when I actually remember to take my meds."

Jack smiled. He never ceased to amaze her. The caring side of Jack Bauer that was ever present now was almost overwhelming. _Almost._ She reminded herself. She loved getting lost in these small moments with him, when they were just Jack and Renee.

"I like these little moments. When it's just you, me and a quiet day. We're not worried about anything in particular. It's nice. Really, really nice."

He nodded. "It is nice."

"Yeah, retirement or whatever this is...it looks good on you, Jack," she told him, as she put her hand through his hair.

He chuckled. "You think?"

"I know," she gave a small smile. "What is it?" She asked as he cast his gaze downward.

"I keep on waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not like this for me. I haven't been happy in a long time, Renee."

"But you're happy now."

"Of course, more than you could know."

"Then let's just be happy with the right now. It's really all we're promised."

"You're right. I guess I'm afraid it will all get taken away like it always has."

"It won't be. We're good here, Jack."

"We are."

"I wish we could stay like this forever."

"Me too, but I'm sure we're going to get hungry lying around out here. Plus, we have visitors today."

Renee sat up on her elbows. "We do?"

"Later this evening. I invited Kim and Teri over for dinner, Stephen has to work. I wanted them to meet the dog. Teri is going to love him."

"Jack, you should have told me. The house-" she said as she sat up and began to get up from the ground.

"The house is fine," he told her as he pulled her back down.

She was lost in his gaze. The house _was_ fine. "It is fine. I'm sorry. Where were we?" she smiled and touched his face.

"We were just going in, I'll make us sandwiches, we'll watch that Bing Crosby movie you have saved, and Toby will forego his bed and cuddle with you on the couch," he said as he stood, pulling her up with him.

Renee smiled. Normal was nice. Normal was just what she needed. She wondered if she would ever feel normal all the time, as her life used to be. She wondered if there would be a time when she would no longer wake in the middle of the night after a nightmare. She wondered if there would be a time when she didn't feel the need to sit fully clothed and soak and wet in the bathtub.

She knew it could happen with Jack. It could, and she hoped it came soon. She was so tired of it all. Of the nightmares, of the depression, of the not feeling good enough. She knew she couldn't live forever like this, but it was as if she didn't know where to begin. She knew how all of this started, but she had no idea how to end it, how to stop it. Maybe it was time for her to talk to someone. Maybe. Probably.

They ate their turkey sandwiches and settled in for the movie, Toby lying in the crook of Renee's legs. Jack's arm wrapped around her when lunch was finished and her head rested on his chest. Normal really _was _just what she needed.

TBC in: Revelations


	3. Revelations

Chapter Three  
Revelations

Jack and Kim watched as Renee and Teri played with Toby after dinner. He chased the ball when Renee threw it for him and even with Teri tried to throw it for him. He had been right about Teri. She loved Toby. She had already claimed him as her own.

"A dog was a good idea, dad. Renee is happy."

Jack knew she wasn't entirely happy. It wasn't because Renee ever told him, but because he knew. He just knew she wasn't happy, not fully happy. She wasn't as happy as she could be, as she should be. "She's good at pretending."

"So…she's not happy?"

"Sometimes she is. Sometimes we have good moments, sometimes we have good days. Other times, most times, it's not good. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. It's what I do, I go in and I solve problems, I can help the country avoid nuclear disasters, but I can't help her with this."

"Dad…it's not your fault. And you do help her. Have you suggested that she talk to someone?"

"She doesn't want to see a shrink."

"Stephen knows a great doctor at the hospital. She works mostly with soldiers who suffer from PTSD. She'd be great with Renee. Her name is Dr. Fischer. Maybe Renee should give her a call."

"Thank you, but I don't know. I don't think she's ready for that. She's tried the doctor thing before and it hasn't worked out. She doesn't even open up to me that much."

"Well, if she ever changes her mind."

Jack nodded and smiled. "Of course."

Teri ran after Toby as he made his way onto the deck. Jack knew he was tired when he found a place to rest under Renee's empty chair. "Whoa, Teri, slow down there. I think Toby is tired," Jack said as he scooped the little girl up. She settled into his lap. "We should let him rest."

"Okay," she told him as she wiggled out of his lap and climbed into Renee's lap instead as she sat down, facing her. her head rested on her chest.

Renee smiled at Jack.

"I knew it would only be a matter of time before she liked you more," he told her.

"No, she just thinks I smell better than you."

"Renee smells like flowers. You smell like boys," Teri told Jack.

The three adults laughed. "I hope you always feel this way about boys," Jack told her as he leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Your mom told me you wanted to start ballet, Teri," Renee spoke after several beats of silence.

Her blonde head nodded up and down excitedly. "Mmm-hmm."

"Well, I used to take ballet."

Teri's eyes widened. "You were a ballerina?"

Renee smiled. "I was."

"You could help me!" she told her.

"I was thinking the same thing." Renee smiled.

"That will be okay, right, Mommy?" her pigtails danced around her head as she turned to Kim.

"Of course, that will be great."

"It will be fantastic!"

Kim smiled. "It's her new favorite word," she explained.

Renee smiled as Teri settled against her once more, putting her head on her chest. "I can hear your heart beeping."

Renee giggled. "You can?"

"Mmm-hmm."

Jack smiled at the sight. It was times like this he felt honored to be a part of Renee's life. He was getting to witness something amazing. He was witnessing Renee coping and hopefully healing. He knew it wouldn't happen over night, he knew it probably wasn't going to be soon. However, moments like this gave him hope. Hope that she would one day be okay. She would be happy, happy with the life they'd created together.

**JRJRJRJRJR**

Renee settled into bed as Jack came into the bedroom, dressed for bed. She pulled him closer to her as he found his way into bed. Jack smiled as she rested her head on his chest. "Did you have a good day today?"

"I did," she answered.

"I'm glad."

Renee glanced up at Jack's face. "Jack?" her voice barely above a whisper.

"Hmm?"

"While I was with Teri today I was thinking."

"About what?"

"I want more things in my life that mean something."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I just know I don't dream anymore. I want to dream again. I want to love my life again. I used to find joy in being an agent. That was my life. I want joy again. Real joy. Not just moments here and there."

Jack was hesitant. He didn't know if he wanted to bring this up again. "You know…Kim and I were talking. Stephen knows this doctor at the hospital. She works with military who suffer from PTSD. I'm not trying to press it. I just want you to know it's there. Only if you want to."

Renee sighed. "I might."

Jack sighed too, in relief. He'd hate to start another fight between them. "That's good. I was worried about brining it up. I don't want you to be offended."

"I'm…I'm not. And I don't want you to think that you, that this life doesn't make me happy, because it does. I wouldn't be here if it didn't. I could be miserable anywhere. I just want you to know that this has everything to do with me and nothing to do with us. I want to be okay with the decisions I made. I want to be able to live with them."

Renee sighed. "Maybe I _should_ talk to someone. Maybe they could help. Not that you don't."

"It's okay, Renee, you don't have to explain yourself to me."

"I-I do. I've been thinking that before it was all too fresh. With Wilson and the FBI was just too new. I think that's why it didn't happen the first time with the shrink. Maybe I could do better now. Maybe it will be easier with a stranger. Maybe talking to a doctor will help me talk to you about it."

"Hmm." He didn't know what to say. He just wanted to let her talk.

She began drawing circles on his chest. "Maybe if it's a stranger…someone I don't have to live with, to look into his eyes everyday."

"I'm the last person that could or would judge you. I've told you that before."

"I know, but it's so confusing, Jack. I just…I want to do this my way."

"Okay, I can do that." And he would. This was a big step for her and he would respect her decision. He was happy for it. She was trying, and that's all she really ever promised him, that day in the coffee shop just months ago seemed so far away.

"Thank you. You don't know how you help me Jack."

"I think I do, Renee. You help me too. We're in this together."

Renee smiled. "You're probably the only person in the world who could understand, Jack…I know that, and it makes sense to talk with you about it. But I…"

"It's okay, it's okay. Come here," he told her as he pulled her even closer to him. He liked her here, in his arms. It made him feel as if he were doing something. That he was helping her, even if it were as small as holding her, he could do this. He liked to be wanted. To be needed. It was something he'd come to be good at over the years.

However, nothing like this. Not in a long time, anyway. Not since Teri, and that didn't end the way he had ever dreamed. This was something new for him. This was something he had never seen coming. The happiness thing was going to take some time getting used to. This life too, this slow-paced life that didn't include running from anyone, mainly his demons. He could get very used to this. He hoped with all of his heart that she could too.

TBC in Speak


	4. Speak

Chapter Four

Speak

Renee woke hours later and glanced at the clock. It was a little past three in the morning. She found herself much in the same position as they had been the night before, though she guessed at some point Jack had covered them with the blanket, which rested at the bottom of the bed.

She was careful not to stir Jack as she found a more comfortable spot. He wrapped his arm around her tighter, but he didn't wake. She studied him as he slept. She wondered how he could be. How he could be both men, how the arms that held her were the same arms which could render her unconscious, and on one occasion they had. The hands that caressed her were the same hands which held many guns on many days, like the two they had experienced together.

It was something she guessed she would marvel at forever. She would ever be in awe of him. She guessed they would always endear him to her, the two men who possessed him. The man who could love her and the man who could get information off (or would have if he wasn't stopped) a senator's corrupted Chief of Staff with nothing but a stun gun.

She glanced at those hands. Scars shone white in the moonlight streaming from the open curtains. Scars she knew covered his body. Scars from a fight that wasn't his to begin with covered his body. Scars from China, scars from men he didn't utter one word to in eighteen months.

She was amazed at his dedication. He was a man of honor, a man of trust, a man of his word. If she couldn't trust Jack Bauer with her heart, to whom could she entrust it? She supposed there was no one else.

No one who wouldn't judge what she'd done. No one else she could trust to see her heart and know they hadn't seen too much. So, she guessed in a way, she owed him. She owed Jack her heart in the very least. Sharing a life wasn't enough. He deserved her heart, of that she was certain. Did she love him? Quite possibly. She wasn't sure, not one-hundred percent, anyway.

Could she love him? Did she even know how to anymore? She wasn't sure. Her mother's words somehow found their way to echo in her head. _'There isn't a man alive who will love you until you love yourself. Be true to yourself, and then you can truly give your heart to someone else.'_

She knew the right question: _Do you love yourself, Renee?_ Did she? She knew she had to answer that question first. Or she'd never have an answer for the other question in her heart. _Did she love Jack?_

**JRJRJRJRJRJRJR**

"Ms. Walker, how are you today?" Dr. Fischer asked. The woman had a kind face. It was heart-shaped. Dark hair framed her face. Her bright green eyes seemed to sparkle. She had a firm handshake and a pretty smile.

"I'm okay, thank you," she said as she glanced at Jack once more. He was seated in a chair near the office door. He'd wait on her.

The doctor was younger than her by a few years, Renee guessed. She wondered if she could really help her as she stepped into her office. She closed the office door and there was no more Jack.

The office itself was clean and void of clutter. Few bookshelves stood on one side of the room, filled with psychology titles. Her desk had a few trinkets that adorned it, and a framed picture.

She offered Renee a seat on her plush black leather couch. It was soft. She glanced at the coffee table in front of her, there was a box of tissues sitting on it. She wondered if in her work, the doctor needed them after her sessions. She wondered what kind of stories she'd heard inside these walls, sitting in that chair, manila folders open, pen ready to write.

Suddenly she wondered if she would judge her, if she would see her as a monster too. Hopefully not, Renee might have begun to think it's true. Maybe it was.

She smiled politely at Renee and she tried to smile back. "So, Ms. Walker," Dr. Fischer began.

"I'd prefer Renee, if it's okay with you."

"Of course, Renee. What brings you here?"

"I want to feel better."

"About what?"

"About…everything, about myself. I want to learn to live with what I've done. I don't want to be a monster anymore."

"What happened to make you feel this way?"

_Someone called me a monster, and I guess that day, that moment, I was._ Instead, Renee shrugged. "Talking about talking to you is a lot easier than actually doing it, you know?"

She smiled that pretty smile. "I hear that a lot. You don't have to tell me everything. If you want you could start by telling me about your life right now. What's a typical day for you like?"

"Uh," Renee laughed. _Where to start?_

"I see a gentleman came with you," Dr. Fischer said after many beats of silence.

"Jack." Renee stated. However, she was certain the doctor knew who he was, with knowing Stephen and all. She supposed many people know who Jack Bauer is, and probably know about many of the things he'd done. His hearing wasn't closed. It was open to the public. It was run on CNBC, CNN, Fox News, you name it, it was there.

"How do you know him?"

"I met him," _a million years ago_, "when I was still with the FBI. We worked a case together. And then one not so long ago." H_owever, it feels like years have passed even between that last day and now._

"And now?"

_And now?_ "We're more than friends…less than lovers."

"Do you love him?"

"I-I don't know. Lately I've been asking myself if I even love me. I don't think I can answer the Jack question before I answer the me question. He's everything to me, though. He's caring and understanding. In fact, I think he's the only person in the world who could ever truly understand the things I'm going through. And yet, here I am. Talking to a complete stranger. When it should be him…"

"Have you tried to talk to Jack?"

"I've started conversations a million times with him over the past six and a half months. However, it's all been in my head. Nothing real."

"Why is that? Do you think he'll look at you differently?"

Renee shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe if I let him too close he'll see that it's all too much. My demons and his…it would all be too much."

"Do you ever want to leave?"

Renee half-smiled. "I tried it. Once. Thought about it another time. I don't think about it anymore. What we have…It's the best thing I have going for me. Probably ever. It's solid and real and…tangible. I don't know what I'd do without this part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without Jack."

"It's good that you have someone like him. So you think he might look at you differently? Why is that?"

"Everything that's happened. It's been my fault. Loosing my job with the FBI…everything else…"

"And what exactly prompted that?"

_I almost tortured a man to death. I put down my badge and tortured a man. He had this stupid smirk on his face. He didn't after we were done. However, he didn't do much of anything after we were done. I can still hear his screams. When I close my eyes and think of that day I feel Jack's hand on my face and I hear Wilson screaming. It was something that had to be done. I don't regret it. I broke his nose on the table. I used his tie to strangle him. I…_

"Renee?"

She shook her head. She smiled a small smile. "That day. I didn't regret anything.," _maybe being called a monster,_ "then Alan Wilson happened. He was so smug. He was so sure we couldn't link him to any of it. To the pathogen, or any of the people connected to it. I had to do something. I had to do something or I'd live the rest of my life thinking I could have helped. I guess I was more like Jack Bauer even then."

"Do you regret it now?"

"No. Not really. I got the information I was looking for. I regret what happened afterward. I fell apart. Then Jack found me. I don't understand how he can look through it all. I think he sees more of me than I do. I don't understand how he's still around. I don't understand how he loves me."

"Do you see your own worth, Renee?"

Renee shrugged. "It's difficult to see through all the scars."

The doctor smiled at her and Renee couldn't read her. "I'm glad you chose to come in today, Renee. I hope you'll come back next Tuesday, but for now, our time is up. I look forward to talking you again. Maybe some of those scars will begin to fade away."

The two women stood. Renee smiled. "It was nice talking to you. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Will you be back next week?"

Renee nodded. "I'll try."

"Okay, and I hope I'll see you next week. It was a pleasure, Renee."

The two shook hands and the doctor opened the office door for her. Jack looked up as Renee looked his way. He put down the magazine he had been reading.

He didn't ask how it went and she liked it that way. It was still all too heavy even for her mind. He did take her hand, however. She realized then that her palms were sweaty. She guessed he didn't care. She hoped the doctor hadn't.

"You want to grab some lunch?" He asked once they were back in the truck.

"Sure. There's that new deli, close to the house. We could go to the park and eat."

"We can do that."

**JRJRJRJRJRJR**

The two sat quietly after they had eaten. He knew the question was looming between them. He wondered when he was going to ask it.

Jack cleared his throat after he'd eaten his sandwich and taken a long swig of water. He watched as she picked at the last half of her sandwich. He wondered what she was thinking. He wondered if she felt better. He wondered if some of the weight was lifted.

"How did it go?" _There. _Jack almost held his breath while waiting for her answer. He watched as she turned and watched a couple of kids playing on a jungle gym. They were arguing over who's dad was stronger.

He heard her sigh. "It was okay. It got easier to talk to her. She's not invasive and she mostly listens, with a question here and there. I think I'll be going back."

Jack smiled and rubbed her back. "That's great." He meant it. It was great.

"I feel like I should be telling you all this."

Jack shook his head. "I'm just glad you're talking about it with anyone. I don't care who it is, Renee. It's good that you're talking it out."

He watched her nod. He wrapped up the rest of her sandwich for her and placed it in the paper bag in which they had been. He tossed their trash in a nearby garbage can. He made his way back to her and took her hand, pulling her up from the picnic table.

"You want to go home?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Good, come on. maybe we could walk Toby."

Renee nodded. "That would be good."

Jack offered her the keys and she took them. They found themselves home in just a few short minutes. Soon, the three of them were walking down the sidewalk.

Jack had taken Renee's hand as she led Toby with her free hand. He wondered if this was the start of something. Something else. Something beautiful. He hoped it was. She didn't deserve this. Not after everything. She deserved so much more than nightmares and a few good days. She deserved so much more than all of this.

She deserved to be happy all the time. He supposed that was his job now. whatever made her happy he would do. He'd prove to her that he loved her, beyond words, he'd prove to her that she could give her heart to him. Someday soon, he hoped.

TBC in Light Meets the Dark


	5. Light Meets the Dark

"Afraid to let your secrets out.  
Everything that you hide  
can come crashing through the door now,  
but too scared to face all your fears.  
So you hide, but you find  
that the shame won't disappear.  
So let it fall down,  
there's freedom waiting in the sound;  
when you let your walls fall to the ground.  
We're here now…  
This is where the healing begins,  
This is where the healing starts.  
When you come to where you're broken within,  
the light meets the dark."

Healing Begins  
Tenth Avenue North

Chapter Five  
Light Meets the Dark

She watched him. However, it was more like studying him. He was watching TV and she was trying to be nonchalant about the whole studying thing. She knew she failed miserably. She knew he knew she was watching. Studying. Whatever. She wondered how she should say it. She'd been practicing for weeks. Well, in her head and a few times staring into a mirror. But she hadn't actually said it. Out loud. Out loud to Jack.

She sighed and Jack glanced over at her. "Is something bothering you?"

"What? No."

"You've been acting strange these past couple…few weeks. Did something happen at therapy?" Jack asked.

It had been three months since she'd started seeing Dr. Fischer. That meant it had been nine and a half months since Vlad and that horrible day. She wondered if she had actually loved him since then. She wondered if while on the road to loving herself again she fell in love with Jack too.

She knew that it must be true, because she was finding peace with herself and a love for the man sitting beside her. She just had to admit it to him now. Perhaps saying it aloud would make things right between them. _More right._

Renee took Jack's hand. "Yes. I realized something. Three weeks ago."

"Yes?" Jack prodded.

Renee cleared her throat. Who knew it would be this difficult? She'd said the words before. However, she guessed it wasn't like this before. Those men weren't Jack Bauer, the man who understood her better than anyone. The man who would do anything for her. The man who showed her he loved her every single day since he'd told her his feelings for her. He hadn't said the words since then, but he hadn't needed to. She knew what he felt.

"This was a lot easier in my head." She paused wondering how to go on. Jack squeezed her hands ever so slightly. It was just what she needed.

"I love you, Jack. I think I have for a long time now. I-I-"

Jack smiled. "You love me?"

"Yes. I do. Unequivocally. It took me a while to realize. It took me a while to see my worth again. You've helped me with so much, Jack. I owe you so much-"

"You don't owe me a thing. I love being with you. I love waking up next to you. I love _you_, Renee."

She leaned over and kissed him on the lips it was long and slow and sweet. "I knew you'd say something like that," she told him as they pulled away and her hands cupped his face.

He laughed. "So that's what's been eating at you?"

Renee nodded. "I don't know why. I mean, I knew what your answer has been. I just…anyway. It's there, in the open."

"Yes, it is. I'm glad. With all the awkwardness between us, I thought you might have wanted out."

Renee put a hand through his short hair. "I could never want out of this. Those two attempts were stupid. Foolish. I would never wish to be without you. It's you who is dependable. Loyal. You've stuck by me when most would have not walked, but run away. You and your family and Toby are the best things that have ever happened to me. I love you and this life," she smiled, kissing his lips.

It was as if a weight was lifted from her shoulders. She didn't have to carry this around anymore. For that, she was grateful. It was as if the light had met the dark. She could see again. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, and his name was Jack Bauer.

"That's great. It really is. I was wondering when this was going to happen. When you were going to tell me. I'm glad you did. This is so much more-"

"Real."

"Real now," he agreed.

She smiled and glanced over at Toby, who was sleeping in his dog bed. She wondered if she should tell him the rest of it. All of it. She loved him. That was something that wouldn't change. But the other thing. Maybe she shouldn't bring it up at all. Maybe she shouldn't try to push a good thing. It was good, what they had. She wondered if it could be better.

"Anything else?" Jack asked.

Renee shook her head. _Liar._

"What do you say we go for Toby's walk? We can go down to the park today."

Renee nodded, but didn't move when Jack left the couch. "Renee?" he called.

"Jack?" She asked. The question brought him back into the living room and she studied him once more as he studied her.

"Yes?"

She shook her head. It was there and then it was gone. "Never mind, it's nothing. I'll get Toby's lead, go get your shoes on, mine are still down here. We'll be waiting for you." She knew he wanted to press it but he didn't, he simply disappeared upstairs.

**JRJRJRJRJRJR**

They walked hand in hand while Jack led Toby. She had finally said it. She'd finally acknowledged her feelings for him. He wondered what else was there. There was something, of that Jack was certain.

The two sat on a park bench and both watched as Toby sniffed his new surroundings. "Something else is on your mind." It was a simple observation. However, he knew he was right.

Renee sighed. "No there's not."

Jack smiled. "You can't lie to me, Renee."

"I'm not-okay fine, I am. But it doesn't matter."

"What doesn't matter?" He asked as he took her hand in his free hand.

"I love what we have right now. Nothing has to change," she told him. She was looking at him. She was staring off to the playground area, a few children played there.

"But you want it to."

"No, I want us to both be happy. I _am_ happy, Jack."

"What would make you…happiest?"

Renee smiled and shook her head. She hadn't taken her eyes off the kids. She hadn't looked at him since he started this conversation.

"I'm serious."

"So am I. It doesn't matter."

"Damnit. It does to me."

He watched as her eyes closed and opened several moments later. She took a deep breath. She let it out slowly. She still wasn't looking at him.

"I want to marry you."

It didn't take him completely by surprise, but he wasn't really expecting it either. "You do?" He asked.

"See? It was stupid to bring up," she said as she let go of his hand and rose from the bench.

"Hey, don't do that. Sit down," he told her as he grabbed her arm, just before she was out of reach.

She sat down again, but she still didn't look at him. "You want to marry me?"

"Yes."

Jack leaned over and kissed her exposed neck, just on the small scar that was there. "That wasn't you asking, was it?" He whispered, kissing her ear.

She finally turned to face him. "You know, what we have is good, Jack. We don't have to get married…I don't want you to feel forced into anything. Things are fine this way. We don't-"

"Of course we do. I want to make you happy. So, if getting married makes you happy, I want to marry you too."

"Jack. We've said a lot of things to each other, and you've made promises to me about…I just want you to know that I'm not going to hold you to them. I don't want you to feel obligated-"

Jack stopped her fumbling words with a kiss. He grabbed her face and kissed her soundly on the mouth. He suddenly didn't want it to end. He didn't care that they were in the middle of a public park. He didn't care that people could see. Toby was the only one put out and then only a little bit.

He had to get his point across. He didn't feel obligated to marry her. He felt honored. He wanted to marry her. He _needed_ to marry her. He hoped he was proving that right now. He was more of a man of action than words. He always had been.

Her hands wrapped around his neck and pulled herself into his lap. His hands began to travel, settling just under the bottom of her t-shirt. He could feel her hesitation. They pulled apart and she mumbled her apology.

"Don't be sorry. It doesn't matter to me if it takes more time. And plus, there are children around…"

He felt and heard her sigh. Toby whined, wanting attention. He jumped up with them on the bench and settled beside them. "It shouldn't take more time. I love you. I should be ready-"

"Says who?"

She didn't have an answer for him. Instead, she kissed him again, lightly on the lips. "Thank you, for understanding."

He smoothed down her tangled hair. "You're welcome."

"You'll be the first to know, though."

"Oh, well, I would hope so."

She smiled then. It was a real, true smile. He didn't think he could be any happier today.

"So, it's settled then. We're getting married?" She nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck. Wanting to be close to him. _Needing_ to be close to him.

"We are," he answered.

She kissed his neck and smiled. "Today is perfect."

"Mmm. It is. You are perfect."

She giggled and he could feel her breath hot on his neck. She tilted her head and he could feel her hair tickle his arm. He wanted to remember this moment. He wanted to remember _everything_ about this moment.

Toby began to feel neglected. He began licking Jack's hand. Renee unwound herself from Jack and sat beside him once more. Toby immediately climbed into her lap and licked her face.

She laughed and patted his head. Jack pulled at her, so she was in his lap again, but her back to him, and Toby rested in hers. Jack placed a kiss on the back of her neck as she wholly relaxed in his arms.

He could definitely stay like this forever. Here with her. Here as _them_, not as Jack Bauer and Renee Walker. Here there were no threats. There was no imminent danger lurking around the corner, there was just a beautiful day. It was a beautiful day with his beautiful soon to be wife.

He knew it was real, but he held her tighter anyway, just in case.

"What?" She asked quietly.

"Just making sure it's all still real."

She turned her face to him. He saw her smile. "It's real, Jack. I'm here, you're here, Toby's here…we're here."

"I couldn't think of a better place to be right now."

"Mmm…me either."

"You don't think there could be anything to make this better?" He asked as he poked her side. She jumped and laughed.

"Well, maybe."

"I see it in your bag right now."

"You wanna?" She asked.

"Sure," he said. She smiled and reached down, her fingertips brushing the strap on her bag and she grabbed it. She set it into her lap, mindful of Toby. Jack grabbed the book before she could and he opened it to the bookmarked page.

Dr. Fischer told Renee early on to do things she loved. Renee had always been an avid reader. However, now, her favorite pastime was _Jack_ reading to her. He definitely didn't mind. He actually quite liked it. He didn't even mind the book choices. Yet, he would never tell Renee that. Right now, they were reading _Persuasion_ by Jane Austen.

No, he wouldn't have it any other way. This was definitely the life.

**~Fin**

A/N: I used **_the _**conversation from hour 17 of day 8. I thought it was a big turning point in Jack and Renee's relationship(no matter how short), and I wanted it in my fic(because in my shippy world that didn't happen). She was still unsure, and he wanted her to know that she was indeed what he wanted. And he shows her with an action, he shows her with a kiss. *sigh* I love that scene…Anywho. I took a little bit out, and I added a little bit to make it fit. Thank you all so much for reading! I had a great time writing; I hope that you had a great time reading!


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